RELEASE

My recent works really begins here, with the painting called, Release. I remember the moment four years ago when I was just about to make my first brush strokes after a nine month mental health hiatus. 

I was trained to never paint with true black, its inorganic presence in a composition has tendency to overpower.  But I presently knew no other color than the darkness that had been my jailer.  From the “black” I had just emerged and so into the black I would dip my brush in order to paint to my experience. 

Black, as it turned out, was not the right color.  It was too brilliant; too familiar, like a night sky.  My experience was that of one who ate food but could no longer taste, like who slept but was never at rest. 

And there was nothing I could do to change my state. It was only in the letting go of understanding, letting go of my need to ever be “better” again, and just showing up in the moment “as I am”, while open to all the possibilities held in an instance.

This is the moment I have tried to capture in the painting titled, “Release”. Alone, in my car by the ocean, letting everything go, a dim light of presence or hope came to mind for the first time in a year.  It was intangible, surrounded by my weariness and confusion, but it was there and somehow I knew that my descent into darkness was complete and the next portion of my journey was beginning. Following this I painting I began to work on the series called, Marooned.